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February 2014



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Feb. 9th, 2014


le sigh.

so far this year is turning out lethargic. nothing is really making me happy. the bank hasnt called, i hate my job, i havent gotten unemployment since december, jen and i arent getting along. its like a big dark cloud just follows me. i dont know what i did in this world, or a past one for that matter, to deserve such shit luck.

jen did a lot today, but she lacked the most important thing, making me feel loved. i felt like she was "there" but she wasnt. even when she wasnt cooking or cleaning, we had very little us time, talk time, snug time..anything. she is on the phone, or bothering the dog more then she is loving on me. i just dont get it. i know ive been a super cunt but to isolate me even more then i feel in this world isnt helping. sometimes i feel like im not enough for her, or maybe she isnt enough for me. i dont know. what doesnt bend, breaks. and right now everything is breaking.

Feb. 3rd, 2014


you love love love..


when you know I can't love..


well not entirely. I do love. you. <3


I feel like my head is gonna explode. all this fucking snow. and then more this weekend. and then more next week. before you know it, it will be hot as balls out. ahhh. enough to make me mental. I wanna get away for a long, long time. I'm so sick of ppl. I like quietness. and I'm picky as hell over everything when I'm around someone lol namely Jen. I'm so used to having things one way and when "my territory" is invaded I need it to continue to stay that way. I feel like when I'm alone I can't get mad, or yell or be mean. I'm very irrational. I don't know why. Jen calmed me down today lol. she got sent home early. understandably. but it made my blood boil, I was in the middle of my routine and she comes upstairs and I'm doing my face and not dressed and that's when I feel the most exposed and vulnerable. I felt my blood pressure rising. I like to be around ppl when I'm completely done and ready. then I go downstairs and since she is home she obviously has the t.v. on a dumb ass show, with food etc etc and although that is normal lol it just bothered me. I like things left how I left them and when too much is going on I get into cunt mode. but she made me do a 360 when she got off her phone and sat next to me and showed me attention lol then I was fine. I went from crazy bitch to being just so cute me. lol. it really happens that quick. isn't that sad? sick? insane? lmao. I usually just talk out of impulse and say mean things, the only way to calm me down is to baby me lol. when she did that it diffused the time bomb. then we just watched t.v.. she took a nap, I cooked dinner...we had sex..lol good times haha. I just want complete attention. quality time to me is sitting next to the person, holding hands and watching t.v. not being on your phone or bothering the dog. if she turned that around I'd feel better. anyway, I have work tomorrow. goodnight.


snow snow go away..

come again, never. unless I'm unemployed and have no reason to leave the house lol. I want some rain. some lightening. some thunder. typhoon my ass. that's the only reason I'm excited for spring lol. anyway. today was fun. it's nice being amongst the living. in small doses lol. sleepy me.


Jan. 30th, 2014



so I just downloaded the app for this. so far so good lol.
I don't wanna go to work tomorrow, ugh. I'm tired lol...Jen is spending the night in Delaware tomorrow, that's always bittersweet. I like my alone time. my blood boils less lol. I also like when we hang out though, but that's Sunday fun day lol. Dublin is being a whiny bitch lately, maybe the bark box I ordered her will shut her big face. she is so messy too. I seriously need to vacuum tomorrow. today was not a good day off. my laptop was a fuck for 3 hours. then I took a long shower and then by that time Jen was home. it's like, wtf? no lifetime movie, no extensive gaming lol shew. maybe next Thursday will be better. I hope the bank ppl get back to me soon..I have anxiety over it but I know I need a good job. assuming the interview even goes well for me. sigh. even if it does, the stress of buying decent work clothes is making my stomach hurt. can't win lol...anyway, time for bed me.



Jan. 28th, 2014



I'm so cold right now. It's midnight and I need to get up soon lol ugh. Anyways, did my turbo tax. Getting back 791.00. Which is only 100 shy of last year. Pretty decent considering I didn't work on the books at all in 2013. I hope the bank calls me this week. My unemployment ran out 3 weeks ago. Sigh. I won't have any return next year if all I do is work at this job I'm at now. Shit stresses me out. I save my cash and give it to Jen for rent, usually in bulk lol at least I can still contribute that way. Thank god she is working and foots most of the food lately. If I get my bank job I owe her a lot of food credits lmao...;-) after I get my credit card paid off I plan on helping out more. More money on bills, food..etc..making up for this past year of shit. Anyway, I'm going to bed. Fucking work tomorrow lol I really hate getting up early and dealing with people. That's life haha. Goodnight.

Jan. 27th, 2014



just finished watching the Sean and Catherine wedding special. i got teary eyed a few times lol. such a beautiful ceremony. they will be together forever. i could tell, they are completely in love. i saved it on my DVR for nights i wanna stare at Sean some more lol. he is a beautiful man. Catherine is really pretty too...they will have hot babies lol. i wish i could be born again and go down the path of being the bachelorette lol it looks unbelievable. its surreal that someone could find their mate on that show. all those romantic trips...its a fairytale. lucky lucky people who get chosen to have a shot at that life.
why does everyone elses relationship seem so perfect? i just struggle with mine. wheres my fucking fairytale lol. ugh. i have a headache. bye.

Jan. 23rd, 2014



Holler for amazon gift cards. Got myself a new razor, shaving cream, eyebrow razors, and underwear lol without leaving the house. Heyyyy.

(no subject)

The day we met,
Frozen I held my breath
Right from the start
I knew that I'd found a home for my heart...
... beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer...

Jan. 15th, 2014


things i do for you.

have a lot on my mind and wanted to jot down some of the things i am useful for in this relationship. since the world seems to think im nuts lol.

-laundry, i do both our stuff on tuesdays.
-vacuuming/dusting/house stuff on thursdays..it has to get done, i do it.
- cooking, not everyday but im the main one who does the cooking.
- i take the dog out, make it so that she can go to work and class and not have to worry about the dog. not to mention on vacations, or spend the night out, or anything. if i didnt care for this dog she wouldnt of been able to work down the shore for that year. that or dublin would have been miserable and waiting 15 hours to go out.
- finances, pay everything online, look into everything, take care of everything.
- make her lunch everyday. small but effective.
- take trash out, bring trash cans in. change trash etc.
-her sidekick to almost everything, concerts, events, family, going to the store. things i dont always wanna do but do it cause she hates doing anything alone.
-refill her vitamins lol small but effective.
-dishes, sweeping up after the dog every night since she makes a mess of her food, every night.

i cant think of anything else haha..but im sure on occasion there is more. but these are constant daily things i do to make her life easier. she does some of this stuff to here and there and then some. sometimes i need to remind myself that im not completely useless ;)

Jun. 13th, 2013


new phone.

Updating from my new bad ass phone lol. Also watching the series finale of the l word, again. I love this show. I will probably watch it again at some point. About a month and a half ago I got a part time job, 21 hours a week, sometimes more if they need me. Cash paid so I can still collect unemployment. Whatever works. Lottery machines will be the death of me. Oh well, I'm tired...nothing else to say, my life is as simple as that.

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