?

Log in

Previous 10 | Next 10

Apr. 21st, 2013

pretty

(no subject)

Morning smiles
Like the face of a newborn child
Innocent unknowing
Winter's end
Promises of a long lost friend
Speaks to me of comfort

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like
Better than to fall
But I fear I have nothing to give


Wind in time
Rapes the flower trembling on the vine
Nothing yields to shelter it
From above
They say temptation will destroy our love
The never ending hunger

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like
Better than to fall
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
I have nothing to give
We have so much to lose...

Dec. 28th, 2012

pretty

im never alone, im alone all the time..

i dont know where to begin. a strange cloud came over me tonight..for no specific reason. jen and i didnt fight..nothing "happened" in any other sense...i just got real sad. i felt like i needed to cry. like i had to cry. and of course..i went upstairs, attempted to fall asleep and boom..cried. silently. just excused myself from the room, told jen i wanted to go get a drink..i woke her up i guess when i got up. i got a drink. a rum and pineapple lol just something to make me tired and take the edge off. i wish alcohol had the effect of making me happy and forgetful of things. all it does is makes me sleepy. it sucks lol. i dont think im capable of losing my inhibitions. i wish one day i could. i want to let go, but i cant, i dont..i dont know why. im stuck in my own head. its getting to me. i feel like writing how i feel is "too honest" ..with myself and sharing my thoughts makes me uncomfortable cause i dont like to talk about myself, or express myself. so, i dont know where to begin. i really dont. i dont like my job, i strive to do better things, but dont put the effort into doing it, making my life something better. i dont like my health or how i look, but again, im not trying to better it. im always hungry or thirsty..to a point where it may as well be mental, more so then need. im completely insecure with myself. with jen, with anyone and everyone. if i could avoid myself naked, i would. i dont FEEL good. i dont FEEL good about my days cause they start out so negative, i either dont like how something looks on me, how my hair is..etc and it sets the mood. the mood of not being good enough. it dampers my whole day. im a moody cunt at work half the time. moody at home.i dont GET it. i dont know why certain things take control over me. im not happy. i dont know how to BE happy. what it will take. i dont know at what point i woke up and WASNT happy. i think i used to be. then i let myself go. gained a lot of weight and got inside my own head in the worst way. my relationship is up and down. i cant even BE a good girlfriend, which is another major let down. i show no emotion lately, no affection..but i think this has been who i was for years, its just taken to another level now. im just a walking time bomb. i have nothing to do, no one to do it with. its really fucking depressing. i like being a loner, i love my quiet alone time. but sometimes i think of other ppl and how they have a ton of friends and go out etc..i never had those times, those yrs..i never was a "real teen" . or even a real kid. i dont remember a decent childhood. i just remember waking up going to school and then one day moving out of state to KY and years later waking up in PA lol its like such a blur. i became an "adult" so fast. leaving ppl behind, half of my family is estranged...the list goes on. im not normal. my life has been so rough. maybe not physically or financially, but emotionally. im surprised im not instituted lol. seriously. i keep it all bubbling under. i dont talk about it. hardly write about it. i just let it BE. and then times like this i just implode. i get sad. i still have no one to talk to, so i sometimes go on here. its not gonna help any. never does..but i felt like at least trying to communicate the only way i know how. "try to change" ..its not easy. i have a million walls up right now, walls i didnt even know i built or what they are built out of. i wouldnt know how or where to start. what or how to change. my insecurities are built in. they are nailed in. im scared i will always be this way. and then end up alone because no one will be able to put up with this mess. i have someone now who is trying, at times anyway lol to deal with me, but sometimes i do think she deserves better then how insufficiant i make her feel. 
worst part is, you would never know how i feel inside. im the most smiley and nicest person you will meet. completely selfless and giving to the outside world. i guess you learn how to hide it well. ah. i dont know. maybe im just in a funk, or a mood right now. granted, these are concrete underlying feelings, but some days im ok and temporarily happy and fine. and some nights, this cloud comes over me. i cant control either emotion. i can only write about it. it angers me that the problem IS me and the solution IS me...im much too tired to take on these issues, so its a vicious cycle. maybe one day i wont be so tired and i can finally live. 

Sep. 9th, 2012

pretty

i wont let you smother it.

im sleepy as hell, but i know once i go into bed my head will be wide awake and that just sucks.
things arent as ragey as my last venting post lol. need i remind you, when i write when im mad or upset, yes, it is the truth but its said in ways that are wrong and crazy. im very theaterical. 

anyway. work sucks. i feel like im programmed to go, and come home. its the same routine, the same drama, the same shady ppl i deal with. i never met people like some of whom i work with. vindictive, mean, arrogant..etc...then i have that one or two that could be my best friend, with the right practice lol. if a job wasnt so hard to come by, id quit, swinging. plus i need to get out of the house, its levels me out, oddly. kinda balances out my funk.

i wrote a status on facebook tonight, about thinking about the past tonight, and how i feel weird and uneasy. i think its sad that i spent five yrs living with michelle and can only recall a handful of memories. granted, its been four yrs since the break up..but i look at her pictures now and i CANT remember how it felt. i dont remember much about our life together, the good or the bad. i remember key good/bad breaking point moments but i dont remember everything else. i dont get it. same thing with anyone before that..and these are things i want to remember, to sit back and smile about and thank god for, because without my past, i dont think i would be who i am now. good or bad. some of my greatest memories happened years ago and i cant get back to that place, even when i try really hard to think about it. its bittersweet. i guess. i dont want to remember it and get sad and depressed, but i want to get happy and just at peace with it. not even with my prior relationships, even with my family..i dont recall many memories from when i was younger. hell, even with jen now i cant really go back too far lol you think this is a memory thing? i dont know. i used to remember everything, but over the last 4-5 yrs i keep losing bits and pieces from the archives and its sad as hell. its like it never happened or existed. i can look at michelles pictures and be like, i DATED her? lol i kissed her? we slept together? wonder what that was like lmao. its fucking scary. i think with that case, when we broke up it was completely devestating that i did ask god to rid me of it, pleaded actually. to not remember. to not think. to not care. but i also consciously put that in the back of my mind, made an effort to let go. i had to.  the thought of it killed me. im just saying its weird, thats all. i hate feeling like all i have now is this, my short memory span. nothing to sit back and laugh about or talk about. i hear jen tell me stories or her family, and friends from fucking middle and high school and im like, REALLY? lol you really remember that? im thinking. it closes me off because i cant share my past, because i dont even remember it. sigh. as if i wasnt closed off enough. now i dont have memories, stories..etc..nothing to make me sit back and think of what a good life i lived thus far. i know i had amazing times, im not that off lol but its a lonely place. 
im difficult. i dont know why. i find im more at peace when im alone. its not normal. i rather have no one close to me anymore. i think i lost my will to love, truly love. i dont know what happened to it, where it went, who has it etc..but its gone. i see glimpses of the girl i used to be. i can only hope to make my way back. for my sake. and for now, jens sake lol. although i discredit her a lot with my angry ramblings, she sure does put up with me. every single crazy side lol. and the funny thing is, shes never seen me crazy. she has never seen the side michelle saw. i came such a long way to calm myself down when im mad. im proud of that. jen hasnt really provoked that side, i mean..she has lol but with age, i gained some maturity. some. lol. ah. i dont know. right now im at a calm. nothing has really been going on. we are good. life is such. tomorrow is another day though. 

Aug. 7th, 2012

pretty

self righteous bitch.

im so fucking tired of it all. i just wanna punch her in the face sometimes. im really at the end of my rope. id leave right now if it wasnt so late and i wasnt commited to a job tomorrow. i talk myself in circles with her. i fucking cry over this cunt and she just falls asleep like its nothing and im up, im always up. thats my problem, i let it fester til i cant cry anymore and her ass just falls asleep. it shows me where i stand in this. i never met someone so heartless and selfish. i wrote her a letter last night, expressing how i feel and why im sad...i get hardly no response. then she acts the complete SAME way after saying she gets it more or less. ALL i asked her tonight while in bed, if she would VACUUM the living room tomorrow while im at work, because she has NO plans. she told me "i dont know, maybe, if i feel like it"  ...its like, REALLY? the god damn downstairs needs vacuumed and i would have done it myself as per usual but its not sucking up right, i wanted her to clean out the filter when she got to it, asked her about 3 days ago. its like, why couldnt she say "yes, i will do it..at some point tomorrow.."  ..it takes 5 fucking minutes. its not something that you need to SEE if you GET TO if youre doing NOTHING ALL DAY. she sits on the couch for hours watching the olympics. thats ALL shes been doing. on my day off on thursday, i swept what i could cause the vacuum needed work, i did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen floor, cleaned the stove top, sweeped upstairs as well (bathroom and bedroom) ..and she DIDNT HAVE TO ASK ME, i do it because i AM CIVIL and i LIVE HERE and its nice to live without DOG hair EVERYWHERE. i dont get it. its so fucking frustrating. she says not to nag, but ALL i did WAS ASK if she can do that tomorrow, then it turns into nagging when she doesnt. fucking commit to something in your life. she is so nice and NORMAL to everyone else and im so sick of it. i dont think i could do this much longer. im so unhappy right now its not even funny. i should be up at 2am crying because my girlfriend is an insensitive bitch. i dont know what i did to deserve this. i really dont. i let her go away for weekends at a time, go to her friends house all the time to spend the night, do whatever she wants that requires FUN and no responsibility while i stay at home and work and watch the dog and i get shit on. she turns it around on me though. nothing is HER, its me. everything is me. im wrong. im the best fucking girlfriend she has had and she is throwing it away by treating me damn near the worst i have ever been treated. i feel myself pulling away, my heart, my mind..i feel like i need to give up, i know my limit and its right there. sometimes i wish i never met her, or moved in. this would of been resolved without my heart breaking and me getting walked on for the second time in my life. i guess Gods plan was for me to be unhappy the last 8 years. 
i deserve someone who could commit, who wants to commit, who TALKS of commiting and sees long term, i feel like im just a place holder. if im going to feel this lonely i might as well be alone. 

Apr. 23rd, 2012

pretty

(no subject)

so far, so good. we had a nice weekend. im off the next two days, we have a couple outings planned..so, it should be fun. keep us together and out, and busy and tolerable lol. i told her we didnt do enough things together, that how can you complain that the connection is fading on my part, and also on yours for that matter..but, all you wanna do is sit in the couch and watch tv? its not quality time spent. yes, sure..we love our shows and i DO want to watch tv at times, but mostly just tv? no. i want the tv and phone fixation to be compromised. so she did suggest a few things and we will see how it pans out. ;]

Apr. 19th, 2012

pretty

well, that was fast.

update since not even two days ago, she does feel the same way lol..its not even funny but you gotta make light of these tense things. we fell apart yesterday, i did really....i was listening to her, knowing she was right, but could only cry. i felt like my words wouldnt be enough, she wouldnt believe anything i said, like it wasnt valid. i was just silent, on the outside at least. we did end up talking later in the night...she swears she wants to work it out, my problem is that i feel like in her heart she doesnt, but stays cause its easy..i dont know if thats true, but thats how my mind works, and ive felt like that for a while, so....i go back and forth with, does she really love me? does she really still want me? ..and i get so consumed with that, and doubt that i let it take over me. its not fun. i do it to myself, but im also so doubtful because her attitude and relationship ways have changed so much. she makes me question it. shes a ticking time bomb, and every couple months she just shuts down and explodes. i get everything i ever did wrong in the past 3 yrs thrown at me when this happens. i get my personality crucified, and that hurts the most. i know im no picnic, that my ways have landed us in hot water, but its completely subconscious...i dont know how to change how i am and dont even know why i am these things sometimes ..im not about to put myself down so let me state, im fucking amazing lol BUT, i do lack in affection/sex...so, yeah...cause of that lack of interest, my head gets served to me on a platter all the time. for good reasoning, i admit that. those things are very important in a relationship. its just been the last thing on my mind in a while, its not a switch i can turn on and off, you know? but yeah, i do take full credit for that aspect of it all. it all derives from somewhere though..and i can write novels about my last relationship and you would throw me a pity party with your mom there as well lol or break apart this relationship im in, with the many times she has been mean, degrading and inattentive. i have reasons for everything, i just cant put my finger on one thing anymore. all i know is, that if we are gonna make it, we need to really try...this thing is getting old, real quick. i cant fix her, she cant fix me..we know this, we are both two crazy girls who have a not so nice past..but we are no saviors. thats the problem with relationships, you think you can change, fix and save that person, when you realize you cant, you wake up and question everything. 

anyway, yeah..it all hit the fan yesterday...we did talk, we said we would work it out...so, lets see? if we could fix the underlying factors to why my mood is the way it is, we could work on fixing that ON switch, or creating one for that matter. it works hand in hand. i need to get ready for work. sigh. more later, maybe. 

Apr. 17th, 2012

pretty

you could be addicted to a certain kind of sadness...

sigh. my head is all over the place lately. i feel like im not connecting to anything or anyone lately. its a lonely place to be. jen and i are out of sync, at least i feel that way...from her body language, i could tell she probably does too..its kinda an unspoken agreement. i dont know what it is or why...things have been off for the past few weeks. no major fighting, things have been mellow actually..its just...i dont know, i cant put my finger on it. im liking my alone time more then usual. i dont know if thats just a ME issue, or US issue. it varies from day to day. nonetheless, it keeps me up at night, and sad...and incredibly lonely. 

my job is decent, as decent as it will get. been there a year...today, i think..or this week..one or the other.  im getting more hours, soon to be more money..but im still not content, i just dont want to be there forever..i really dont want to be anywhere forever lol. sometimes i just want to lock myself in a dark air conditioned room and sleep. for days. i would be perfectly fine with no human contact or affection. for a short period at least. i dont have that option though. ive been up since 530, with very little sleep. got a lot on my mind but dont say too much. i dont know when life got so complicated. i see people happy and i try to figure out whats the secret. what am i missing? i know im a naturally down person, and i have been taking antidepressants for that, but i think all they are doing is helping me be more calm and passive, not really addressing anything. just kinda letting things go and going through the motions. i didnt think it would be magic pill, but i thought i would have some more clarity and peace...doesnt work like that i guess. 

i dont have the energy to really try to figure this out and when i do think about it i say a lot to myself and then act fine..repeat, repeat..etc. its easier to exist then to "live" ..im existing, completely programmed..fixed in a routine, mind and body...and its a place like no other. dark, quiet...sad. and i choose it. i never claimed to be sane lol i just dont know how else to be or act, im so used to how i am. pretty soon its just gonna be me, and me. 

Mar. 2nd, 2012

pretty

well hot damn.

its been months since i said something in this thanggggggg. firstly, my birthday is in like 11 days..holler. getting older, still undecided and skeptical about life...gotta love it. anyway. 
i know my last few updates have been, morbid? to say the least lol but things have been better. a lot better. jen and i have been a lot better since the new year, we had a lot of falling outs but we remained dedicated. she has been treating me a lot better. more attentive and interested lol a lot more laid back. i notice the little things. with her attitude changing, it helped me change mine..in small fractions of course. im naturally cunty and moody..i got a lot on my mind, always..i take it out on the wrong ppl, or i just shut down. im taking meds for it, jen is too..maybe thats why we both been mellowing out, i mean..as much as the smallest dose of zoloft enables lol i have a feeling we need the biggest haha, but..for now, with a mix of us really trying to work on things, and the meds, and life kinda looking up in general...things are smooth. smooth sailing lol. anyway, jen needs me to help her with something. ttyl.

Nov. 28th, 2011

pretty

blue isnt red, everybody knows this...

and i wonder, when will i learn?
guess i was in deeper then i thought i was, if i have enough love for the both of us...





deep breath. time for another rant. its sad that i only write in here for times that im upset, this journal used to be so much more. i have tons of good times and memories in this thing..i just cant get back to that place of writing, i guess. anyway..
i think i got to that point with jen, the point to where im racking my brain trying to figure out what i want and if this is it. we had a bad fight last weekend, that landed us up til 5am bout to pull the plug sorta thing, talked it out though..and the next few days were nice...i went to NY for thanksgiving from thurs-sat, came home sat night...things were still good...she fell asleep within the hour of me getting home, and it was a night she didnt have to work or go to bed early for, so that kinda struck a nerve, but i was tired too so i went with it...then on sunday, i get up to get ready for work, i wake her up at 12:30, cause i was bout to leave..she gets up....yes, i did throw the first dagger with mentioning her cleaning, she cleaned the bedroom upon request from me, it needed it..so i asked her to, and she did...i pointed out a few things that werent done, that within 4 hours of being at home and cleaning, could have been done...and its not like im being a cunt either, but our bedroom was a dust fuck fest, covered with dog hair, come on..no one wants to LIVE like that, the last time it was cleaned was during the spring, so yes..i asked her to do it on one of her 3 free days. that wasnt a fight or a problem, i cleaned the bathroom before i left that week and we agreed she would do the bedroom. i didnt fight with her about it though, i just told her that she could of wiped down a few more spots. i stress to her the fact that i dont want to have to ASK her to do these things, she always gets on to me about asking and nagging, but what CHOICE do i have? if i didnt ask, nothing would be done. why isnt it common sense logic to, if you see something that needs vacuuming or dusted, to just do it? if only once a week, cause god knows i do it daily. yeah, i might not deep clean, but the rugs and livingroom shit stays dust clear, i try to maintain things, to keep them in order...jen just lets it go, lets shit clutter up, lets it all get dusty, doesnt think twice. its not FAIR to me. she knows im very anal about cleaning things and she doesnt even consider my feelings. so yes, i ASK her to do things around the house, i cant win. all im saying, is that i wish she would just do them, i wish it was second nature..
but anyway, so..she had work at the pizza shop from 4-10, he lets her go at 9. i thought we would spend that extra hour together, being as though i havent seen her in what feels like months, since she has been working and sleeping for a few weeks now, and when she is home, im working. but no, she wanted to sleep for that 45-60 mins, as if ANY nap of that nature was going to make or break her night ahead. i got offended. its like, yeah..i know you need to sleep, you have a 12 hour shift ahead of you, but you slept 10 hours last night, and 12 the past 3...lets fucking compromise SOME time together, if we dont then WHAT KINDA relationship are we gonna have? things are rough right now, but you need to prioritize your time so that there is enough to TALK to me at some point each and every day. its only HUMAN instinct, anyone with compassion MAKES small sacrifices. last week, fighting til 5 am, didnt go to bed til i dont know when, was up at 9 cause i had WORK the whole day, i knew i had work but i didnt just tell her to go fuck herself, and sleep downstairs cause of my job, no...i toughed it out and stayed up to settle things and went to work on 3 hours of sleep. and i dont want to hear, oh my small 5-6 hour shift, fuck you..i deal with tons of ppl throughout the day, i deal with a LOT of money and i need to be as alert and upbeat as possible in that hell hole, so yes..my day was completely off and i was miserable, but you know what? when we went to bed that night, after we settled things, i felt a hell of a lot better then, on no sleep, then i do now with 9 hours of sleep. i would take that kinda day ANY day over this shit. what do people do? truck drivers who drive 18 hrs a day, and HAVE to be alert on the road..they fucking sleep 5-6 hours and wing it, she acts like if she doesnt get 15 hours of sleep the world is going to crash around her. i LET her sleep at her moms ALL day during the day, i could be a cunt and tell her she is already spending ALL night away from me, now all day? but no, i understand. i SEE her every single night around 830, for an hour and a half, if even..til she showers and leaves again. its not fair. but im the asshole, im the selfish one. but yeah, she wanted to spend that hour taking a nap, knowing i havent seen her since wednesday and even that was short lived. i suggested sex, laying together in bed, talking...but no, wanted to sleep. i cant help someone or something if they arent willing to try either. i spend 90% of my days alone, and its sad. we havent gone anywhere since september, we are on egg shells with money..her mood has gone from bad to worse, so has our intimacy...i dont know why im still here, honestly. i love her, but the way my heart continues to hurt, i dont know how much longer i can put up with this. i believe we have an on the surface kinda love, there is no way this girl can still be in love with me and that passionate about me, like she used to be..i dont see it, i dont feel it...all i see is a dependency kinda thing. its familar territory, and i said i would never stay with someone who treated me like this again. there is so much more that she could do to REMIND me that she loves me, but just doesnt. i know its over, i can feel it..i know she lost interest and to be honest..i think i might of too, a long time ago..but the self depricating part of me just rolls with the punches. tries to make something out of nothing. i see a dead end here, there is no way she will change, i saw a glimpse of hope for a little while but then she was back to her hateful self, with her mouth and meanness. she is the kinda person that will end up alone, cause she treats ppl good for a little while but then picks them apart, publically too, and just breaks them down, mentally...she will talk down to you and treat you like you are the reason she is like she is, its really bad manipulation. i cant deal with it anymore. if i knew she loved me and would treat me better i would try to change my outlook...i just lost all hope, it breaks my heart. i miss the old jen. i miss being respected. its sad, im losing my best friend as well as my girlfriend. 

Oct. 15th, 2011

pretty

(no subject)

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars

I could really use a wish right now




sigh. i dont even feel like updating about the decent things that have been going on right now, cause im always brought down by the other bullshit. i have the weight of the world on me with this job, that on most days, i despise, and then theres the extra weight of my relationship..im almost convinced i will never make this girl happy. who i am isnt enough. there are always things in her head that trigger at certain times and its like HELL for me to live though .."why arent you like this, or say that, or do this.." etc..its like WTF, this is ME, ive been like this since october of fucking 08, WHY are you STILL complaining? im really NOT THAT BAD. in my head at least, i see myself as a "good" girlfriend..i dont know WHAT ELSE to do. she has her own past demons and way of thinking that she takes out on me. the way she talks to me, how she snaps at ME and only ME...its like i got the wrath of her life gone wrong, so to speak. im no angel, i vouch for that..but really? like tonight, i got home from work, she wasnt home..so i took the dog out, did the dishes, sweeped the dog food up, cooked dinner...shes still not home...ok...i text her..dinner is ready...still not home...tells me she will be soon...ok....fine...well, it was cold when she got it, like it is MANY times, but im the asshole lol ok. but i let it go, i made one comment "its prob cold now" ..i said cuntly, didnt fight, didnt raise my voice..nothing. we were fine, ate..baked, watched tv. around 10 i ask if maybe i should let her watch the rest of her show and i should go upstairs to shower etc...she tells me no, more or less. its like, really? we havent had sex all week. im off tomorrow, im in a decent mood, i thought we could spend an hour of alone time and nice time together...and i get shit on. she comes upstairs and asks me whats wrong, it was everything in me to not put my fist through the wall. i have HUGE hang ups with sex. HUGE. i cried myself to sleep over sex countless amounts of nights in my past relationship. i heard EVERY fucking excuse in the world and it brought our relationship down, to the point where we broke up over the bullshit, well...majority of the probs were sex, there were other issues. but with jen, sex has kinda been stable, we try to venture out..its been active, its been normal for the FIRST time in my life and now i find myself ASKING her to have sex? needless to say our relationship has been rocky, and her and i are always on the fence with it, but you take out the sex, we might as WELL be just friends. i thought our intimacy is what, or most of what brought us together at the end of the night. she has a lot on her mind..with not working, family..etc..i GET that, i DO TOO. THUS why US being ok together and getting our mind OFF of things would of been a good thing. i dont get it. she was once all into it...would text me randomly the most profound sexual things, encouraging sex..and wanting it, and thinking about it...never does anymore, i have to bring it up...its such a burden on me. i dont like it. at all. i know she loves me, is attracted to me, wants me..but, in the back of my mind, i doubt it a lot as well. its like, if you REALLY rather not, then rather...we shouldnt be together. its just plain weird. and insulting. we have more bad days then good. there is always something she is doing that is annoying me. little stupid things that she knows TRIGGERS how i feel. simple things. HELP me OUT around the house. you are home now going on TWO months, you see dog food ALL over the floor, RAMDOMLY sweep it up. dont leave the blanket and shit on the couch, dont leave the coffee table FULL of shit, dont leave a ton of dishes in the sink, dont rearrange the furniture playing with dublin, make the BED when you GET OUT OF IT...ITS HOW I BEEN FOR 3 YEARS but STILL i am TELLING HER THESE LITTLE THINGS, THATS ALL I EVER ASK. im so fucking EASY its not funny. yes, i have OCD, clearly...i cant fucking help it, its who i am..you know this, so WORK WITH ME, not AGAINST me. i cant hold up the house and this relationship, along with my bullshit job. its so much stress. i dont know what to do. i dont even want to cry about it anymore. i want things to be easy and they are not. its not cause i dont love her, or she doesnt make me happy..cause she DOES and i DO, but she can do more and shes just...not. we are both fed up i believe. we both dont do things out of spite im guessing now. we are both careless and apathetic. its not good. i still try with the house though, she doesnt..unless hounded on. my mouth is big, yes..i have cunt issues, but if you were me, youd know why. youd get it. she doesnt, evidently. and im the bad one. i TRY to bite my tongue, she doesnt. she talks to me like shit. everyone else though, she is this quiet polite poser. it makes me sick sometimes. i try to accomodate her, we go places she wants to go, she goes places she wants to go..i havent been saying shit, i stopped calling so many times, or texting cause it was bothering her...right...ok...cause i want to talk to her so much lol ok. anyway..but yeah, i toned it down..i been less "complainy" ..but still, i get shit. i cant win. i dont think i ever will. i dont know how she thinks relationships are supposed to be, i think she watches too much "days of our lives" ..to tell you the truth, where everyone lives in fairyland and is so "in love" ...well you know what? its not fucking real life and if you think you CAN find that somewhere else, by ALL means. i dont know what im doing wrong or why shes not happy. sometimes i feel like leaving, just so she maybe can one day be happy again. if im such a burden and a hassle, then why stay? we both deserve to be happy and at this point, i dont know if im it for her. i certainly dont get that vibe. i talk of future and rings, for shits and giggles, i get the most hurtful answers..its like...wtf...why try? i dont know.


"sometimes love just aint enough " ...aint that the truth. 

Previous 10 | Next 10