and i wonder, when will i learn?
guess i was in deeper then i thought i was, if i have enough love for the both of us...
deep breath. time for another rant. its sad that i only write in here for times that im upset, this journal used to be so much more. i have tons of good times and memories in this thing..i just cant get back to that place of writing, i guess. anyway..
i think i got to that point with jen, the point to where im racking my brain trying to figure out what i want and if this is it. we had a bad fight last weekend, that landed us up til 5am bout to pull the plug sorta thing, talked it out though..and the next few days were nice...i went to NY for thanksgiving from thurs-sat, came home sat night...things were still good...she fell asleep within the hour of me getting home, and it was a night she didnt have to work or go to bed early for, so that kinda struck a nerve, but i was tired too so i went with it...then on sunday, i get up to get ready for work, i wake her up at 12:30, cause i was bout to leave..she gets up....yes, i did throw the first dagger with mentioning her cleaning, she cleaned the bedroom upon request from me, it needed it..so i asked her to, and she did...i pointed out a few things that werent done, that within 4 hours of being at home and cleaning, could have been done...and its not like im being a cunt either, but our bedroom was a dust fuck fest, covered with dog hair, come on..no one wants to LIVE like that, the last time it was cleaned was during the spring, so yes..i asked her to do it on one of her 3 free days. that wasnt a fight or a problem, i cleaned the bathroom before i left that week and we agreed she would do the bedroom. i didnt fight with her about it though, i just told her that she could of wiped down a few more spots. i stress to her the fact that i dont want to have to ASK her to do these things, she always gets on to me about asking and nagging, but what CHOICE do i have? if i didnt ask, nothing would be done. why isnt it common sense logic to, if you see something that needs vacuuming or dusted, to just do it? if only once a week, cause god knows i do it daily. yeah, i might not deep clean, but the rugs and livingroom shit stays dust clear, i try to maintain things, to keep them in order...jen just lets it go, lets shit clutter up, lets it all get dusty, doesnt think twice. its not FAIR to me. she knows im very anal about cleaning things and she doesnt even consider my feelings. so yes, i ASK her to do things around the house, i cant win. all im saying, is that i wish she would just do them, i wish it was second nature..
but anyway, so..she had work at the pizza shop from 4-10, he lets her go at 9. i thought we would spend that extra hour together, being as though i havent seen her in what feels like months, since she has been working and sleeping for a few weeks now, and when she is home, im working. but no, she wanted to sleep for that 45-60 mins, as if ANY nap of that nature was going to make or break her night ahead. i got offended. its like, yeah..i know you need to sleep, you have a 12 hour shift ahead of you, but you slept 10 hours last night, and 12 the past 3...lets fucking compromise SOME time together, if we dont then WHAT KINDA relationship are we gonna have? things are rough right now, but you need to prioritize your time so that there is enough to TALK to me at some point each and every day. its only HUMAN instinct, anyone with compassion MAKES small sacrifices. last week, fighting til 5 am, didnt go to bed til i dont know when, was up at 9 cause i had WORK the whole day, i knew i had work but i didnt just tell her to go fuck herself, and sleep downstairs cause of my job, no...i toughed it out and stayed up to settle things and went to work on 3 hours of sleep. and i dont want to hear, oh my small 5-6 hour shift, fuck you..i deal with tons of ppl throughout the day, i deal with a LOT of money and i need to be as alert and upbeat as possible in that hell hole, so yes..my day was completely off and i was miserable, but you know what? when we went to bed that night, after we settled things, i felt a hell of a lot better then, on no sleep, then i do now with 9 hours of sleep. i would take that kinda day ANY day over this shit. what do people do? truck drivers who drive 18 hrs a day, and HAVE to be alert on the road..they fucking sleep 5-6 hours and wing it, she acts like if she doesnt get 15 hours of sleep the world is going to crash around her. i LET her sleep at her moms ALL day during the day, i could be a cunt and tell her she is already spending ALL night away from me, now all day? but no, i understand. i SEE her every single night around 830, for an hour and a half, if even..til she showers and leaves again. its not fair. but im the asshole, im the selfish one. but yeah, she wanted to spend that hour taking a nap, knowing i havent seen her since wednesday and even that was short lived. i suggested sex, laying together in bed, talking...but no, wanted to sleep. i cant help someone or something if they arent willing to try either. i spend 90% of my days alone, and its sad. we havent gone anywhere since september, we are on egg shells with money..her mood has gone from bad to worse, so has our intimacy...i dont know why im still here, honestly. i love her, but the way my heart continues to hurt, i dont know how much longer i can put up with this. i believe we have an on the surface kinda love, there is no way this girl can still be in love with me and that passionate about me, like she used to be..i dont see it, i dont feel it...all i see is a dependency kinda thing. its familar territory, and i said i would never stay with someone who treated me like this again. there is so much more that she could do to REMIND me that she loves me, but just doesnt. i know its over, i can feel it..i know she lost interest and to be honest..i think i might of too, a long time ago..but the self depricating part of me just rolls with the punches. tries to make something out of nothing. i see a dead end here, there is no way she will change, i saw a glimpse of hope for a little while but then she was back to her hateful self, with her mouth and meanness. she is the kinda person that will end up alone, cause she treats ppl good for a little while but then picks them apart, publically too, and just breaks them down, mentally...she will talk down to you and treat you like you are the reason she is like she is, its really bad manipulation. i cant deal with it anymore. if i knew she loved me and would treat me better i would try to change my outlook...i just lost all hope, it breaks my heart. i miss the old jen. i miss being respected. its sad, im losing my best friend as well as my girlfriend.